They keep pleasuring an older lady I like against me, like I did something and that's why.

People pretty much are eating my life away because of some thing I did in the past they see as credible to that.  I have nothing sensible to keep? just hanging on with bits and pieces.  I find it immature.  What if they think they shouldn't have done it someday?  Life is hard, huh?

They just keep coming up with more problems to solve that recur in my head as I'm not supposed to jot down everything they say and they always do big bad things often it seems.

Playing With My Eyes

When I got underground famous for being in trouble, my eyes felt like this but not blurry, so often they were left to pop sorta or pressure going around it.  It stopped when I started watching "The Ellen DeGeneres Show..."  I just suffer, as usual, and it's interesting contrast how successful this older lady is.  I wonder if someone who likes her made her feel, well, selfish, but I suspect there are other/new reasons.  First, he must have tried to indulge her and then said she was "full of it."  What if she falls for that?  Is that their game of love, then, to like each other so much that this is "child's play?" as opposed to having other kinds of relationships?  I didn't say who it was, but a lot of people know stuff about them, especially the ones there.  I was a bit flabbergasted but maybe concerned it keeps happening mainly or related.  I've known a long time.  So, I was just wondering, like about this cycle and how it's grown into a worldwide phenomena.

I feel someone has it in the to really ruin it for me, like it's a part of life, for some reason I never found out.  I feel someone else compromises my desires, as well.

If I say someone hurt me, an older lady I like is in danger.

Danger

Someone I know made my eyes feel like they popped out in a way and were disoriented some, and now one eye is blurry with contact lenses on, the one with the astigmatism.  People keep persisting that if you can't tell they hurt you it's okay or they just do that or drive that way.  I see clearly with 2 eyes open, but my one eye keeps acting up.

So, if, in my tough life being good, if I do something objectionable like by accident or when upset, assume the worst that I could get in big trouble, also, I came here to say, that I did something bad to someone, in that case, and there's no hope for me, no hope to be treated better neither?

So, who's "in the same boat?"  I need someone to talk to.

I feel I'm in permanent trouble, like I was rude to nice people while secretly mistreated a lot in Orlando.  People want to type me with other people who *almost* made it, and it's irritating, a lot.  Then, they put an older lady, who I like, above me and make fun of me, whereas before I was trapped in Orlando with my family in my 20s this stuff rarely happened and most of my life never in public and when old enough not at home.  So, yea, I've definitely been gypped and become a toy for who's really bad all along in other people's judgment.  Orlando believes they are the true test, but people outside of here, many would trust me more than them.  What did I do in public?  Sometimes, stomped a little and then when people kept going treating me badly ended up doing it more.. things like that..  At home, I sorta felt hurt all the time like at the table and put my stuff roughly and they wouldn't stop treating me like I'm never to be accepted by them again..  Mostly, that.  Anything bad?  Nothing I felt was bad at the time and not sure why, but yea.  I've done some of it by accident kinda.  I always feel people coming inside of me in Orlando, at least before for many years.  I messed up this one time, for awhile living in a noisy apartment, but still I don't know why except things that are my responsibility though I supposed other people know what I'm really talking about? maybe how crimes are committed? except I wasn't necessarily always breaking the law in any way, like if a police came I wouldn't end up locked up nor for long, but maybe people hurting me might undergo some interrogating if I can think of any that can be detected.  Why am I on a guilt trip because of Orlando?  Does anyone else want to go through this to live with it for the rest of their lives?  Like once second can ruin the rest of your life?  No drunk driving, no drug dealing, just something happened and there's no reason, and other bad people no one pays attention to?  Maybe, I should have been able to overcome this or maybe it was embarrassing.  I know my parents just seemed mad all the time and wouldn't admit it, to make me feel bad coming home flunking college, like I know what I did, it's all my fault, there was no reason but me, no one cares it was too much work to show off I will never use.

People shouldn't be making fun of me for my race.

I can't say it's okay.  I wouldn't do it.  I don't know if I can believe it's some creative thing that's okay, sounds kinda like teasing me.

I don't know who did what.  I don't know if it can be claimed to be okay but don't think so.

Well, it's pathetic and might be causing me hurt..

They just keep making problems because they "know my past" in Orlando mainly.

I guess people are scaring the public into hurting me..

Some people keep insisting I am inferior racially and threaten to be able to control me.

I think those people are just lustful, and since they are white people believed them and it became a big deal.  That's an example of a mistake spiraling out of control.  Maybe, I should try that on someone different? or on them.

I know some people "have the gift" technically speaking and have treated her like a little girl and everyone else just normal.

If you're not normal, you don't meet status quo. ... or you're thinking about most people being bad?

That's funny, I just said the older lady I like was just another normal person, which is a compliment, but yes everyone can be special, I suppose hopefully.  If someone wasn't in that way, we've some mystery.  Maybe, people believe there is no one else as unique as her and they must have her.  However, in the end, that hope may run out.  Then, what happens?  Who would different people best like and without any fighting?  Any thought out there?  Any specimen of intelligence?

Something I Don't Fully Believe

They think the older lady is copying other people and really a bad person.

I keep getting people outside saying the older lady I like is ruining my life like I really did something that bad.  They also had to believe she really cut me off, "like nothing just happened."  So, that matters; am I just being played with?  No one cares about me.

Well, I was upset about it being done that way for the first time.  People wouldn't stop messing with me.  I wanted to take it calmly and got made fun of for not believing it.  I got upset at new suggestions to take my focus, like they think I need shit therapy too in a way, like that makes them nice and even impressive in the end because it was probably checked and documented ... but it seems like making fun of me in the end too, the part that "doesn't matter."

I feel an end that they took someone I liked who wanted a relationship with me who was older and tried to reduce her functioning and then everyone pleasures her.  They made it convenient, like with Johnny Depp and Tim Burton and then forgot about what they did but still check in to see if I "made it" still and if she's still a peak interest to me somehow; that's why they have to keep track of me!  Some people aren't mean, but I find people closer to me being monitored in private seem to make it happen; however, I am unsure if this is just how the process is.

...   I just heard supposedly the older lady I like is "taking back" things supposedly, forever.

It seems I can't get out, but it seems I could have it okay.

I have a feeling this is a waste of time, like shock therapy.  They make TV shows and publish books with content against that.  It's the mistakes of "the day" in psychiatry.

After I was accepted by people, they said I was really worth nothing whatever I am.

They keep saying I'm worthless like the older lady I like is too good for me and they don't even remember they said it.  It keeps getting slammed in my face to get me to succumb.  What is this, some kind of torture?

They want to reduce and seduce an older lady I like, like she's different so I can't have her as a relationship.  They keep saying other people are bona fide and certified, to rat out people "that is."

They're also thinking I'm shit because I posted this here when I didn't intend to, sorta got into something before they must have caught that I knew I did sorta.

How am I worthless?  You know Europeans are trusted and treated better so it's unfair, like you controlled it?

They are ruining an older lady I like who wanted to have a relationship with me by hypnotically suggesting things to seduce her into a stupor instead of leaving me be and having me as a relationship.

I feel people are mimicking me saying I'm pathetic, like someone I knew.  I'm not worshiping her evil oddities... nor the others.

They pretended they were dealing with everything from my life, but I saw through it and never said I believed it.  It was a weird experience.

I just answered the question, people end up just being racist.

Some people make themselves believe they are better if they are born a prejudiced year and take it out on good people.

They are abusing me.  "End of story."

People just keep making up stupid things to make something happen.  They think I am bad now and see me privately.  They are out to get me.  That's what they said, sorta.  I'm sick of annoying people telling me I'm worthless because they don't like me.  No one cares what happens to me; they're just racist.

I see they are trying to sensually hypnotize an older lady I like in feel bringing up topics like this as their answer to what I said earlier.

I think I've been rejected, pulled out of my successes.  What makes other "kids" worth it?  I don't want the answer to be, "I'm just kidding, none of this abuse mattered."  This is just the result of racism.  I'm not nothing, but people are trying to make it that way, maybe stuck in jobs that only rely on personal talents, like character.

The people monitoring me in private think I am dumb to say prejudice is all that makes me worthless.

It would be nice if it were easier on my dad, like people in public.  He sometimes hurts my feelings, a lot, and later I realize it's not okay how things were for him, but it gets very irritating to me people.

I know people are too uninterested in me because of racism.

So, she gets by being "pleasured" for tricking me?  That's ^pathetic^...

Is the older lady I like being rewarded for being mean to me? well, not really being mean to me but having people ^believing^.

People keep making me believe an older lady told them to be mean to me..  I get in trouble for my thoughts on the spot or fumbling and poked at from others.

I'm not here to be turned inside out but to know how to deal with things.

Sometimes, I'm looking for people and not things I don't need to know.  However, I never expected anything.  It's weird being in a different relationship that shouldn't be in ways and in others's opinion of things that are none of their business.  It's like it's done to be undone, something stuck in my memory.  Anyway, I don't do that.   So, I wonder why since Johnny Depp and Tim Burton became popular adults started "playing" with even me.  So many people were mean to me, not just in Orlando.   I know there was a change with colleges teachers treating students who might be mixed differently,  like it's time to get to business at a new beginning.  I am so against that..   They still believe in the fantasy we've nothing to worry about and some young people will have a good reputation.  Some people don't want to be known so they don't go from #1 to #2.  There is prejudice always to make it good for Late Boomers, however... why not others if they are getting to like crazy?  It probably is flawed.

Shouldn't everyone be evolving, or is there a new gap growing, like between the rich and the poor, with new members in that poor?

I feel like I have to halt my worth to make way for an older lady I like and not do certain things, but I avoid copying her.  Maybe, people spend too much time on her in certain ways or she imprints certain things in her own method, rather than as a reminder of what we all might learn, like with others.

Where did this idea come up, that it was considered plagiarizing or stealing, like to do something like her but still not look or be like her?

Howcome I have to downgrade my worth for an older lady I like; who is forcing me to fight this supposed request to make life go happily ever after? it's to bother me before they forget about it.  This keeps coming up.  It makes me very mad because she isn't even there, and yesterday or a time before things were a different story and I was treated strangely too but not to discredit my worth along with it.  It's not my fault if I'm shit.  They wasted my time at school.  I couldn't exercise when I wanted, and other people did.  Like, in school, we listened to the teacher discipline bad kids too much and got busywork and never learned to succeed in a lecture/reading course.

I did look good with my hair cut before but maybe because I needed it to look special for awhile.  It didn't need to be colored, though.  We lived somewhere else.

I cut my hair with bangs, layers, and an angle and bleached it so it turned reddish brown.  It proves it doesn't matter because I'm growing it back out, dying it a more natural color, Cherry Black.  A long time ago, women had long hair and dresses.. otherwise, what if they were never women?

(continued)

I don't want to always get too close to them, neither, if they're too mushy like they are stronger than me.

I don't know who to blame.

I keep feeling turned against someone but think I should be turned against other people, instead, if that person becomes a problem just to me, in actuality and in the end.  I know I'd be in trouble with that person.  What is going on?  I have things against a lot of people for being racist to me, but I don't know what else, in that way.  I guess that person isn't racist against me as much as the others.  Still, she is a normal person, and I am forced to interact with her sometimes, though, whereas with other people we just brush by and that's enough for them or there's nothing to talk about in their interest.

I don't know how to keep up the blame against people going at me for real, not that other person, for turning us against each other.  They're rapidfire attack, they won't relax to me but keep at me in the distance like they are just watching what I do without talking to me.  I wonder how they get away with it and I seem to be disliked for lots of things because I'm not older or something or of a certain generation.

Only some Americans have problems.

People turn me against an older lady I like.  They won't take that I don't take the idea that she really did it because she said she didn't, like many people..

It seems dangerous now if I feel upset about around my dad.  He seemed to force me into being more upset about things.  I'm too used to being around bad language.  I didn't really do anything wrong.  I don't actually say anything bad, it's just still going through my head.  People usually say fuck this fuck that.  I think of how someone got the term "kill" stuck in my head, mostly, or terms that mean "trash."  Yes, people are really mean to me, too.  I have to deal with it, and then I understand.

Ticked About a Relationship Status

I keep telling myself to be careful but know I will forget some things about how to deal with things and new things just come up.  Some people have time to try to make it hard for me, like a maze for an animal.

I come up a lot with that it's the end of my relationship with someone, like everyone puts a label on that person like it's too good for me, how blatant.  Also, people swear the person really said these things when she said she was just fitting in.  They even ruined some things that might mean something.

So, the only way to deal with some problems is to try to remember that you're mad because it means the end of what you had, instead of just wandering around aimlessly saying no, no to what, the end.  Just put a label on it and go from there, justified ... like ... well, first, I don't want my life to be compromised because someone I like is so good because she is older, all white, or something.  However, I also think I don't have to worship any people or they don't have to get things I was tricked out of.  I also don't fair well with hypnotizing people to be jealous of things and pick apart my life so I feel uncomfortable and never feel better; like, they are exposed and forced into things, or my dad does the job to finish it off to stay safe maybe while they are good instead bad as you'd think usual for some reason..

Is this all a joke to the older lady I like's "cronies?"   I think so, make them feel good by saying they're better than me and the older lady is still, but just focus on hurting people like me.  This doesn't sound like a good idea.  How did it go underway?  It doesn't make sense.  I think they are a joke, whoever is doing this, but I don't know how to compromise and put a label on who and probably don't even know people getting into this, ruining  my life.  They're supposed to be all that, too, and to be able to be with her? and control my life conditions from afar?  Is that their "joystick?"  This is just ruining it for me, no okay and going back like maybe it was okay then.  Like I said, it doesn't make sense.  It doesn't sound like an accident but maybe being silly or something.  I don't know who all did it, though, so I'm watching out I guess.  Maybe, it involves a group, but that group thinks it did what was right, as usual, to turn people away who are interested and say they are all that and to worship them.

"Let them eat cake."

So, when will my life not be unfair?  I feel like I've been trapped.

I'm so obsessed that my life is unjustified if I died right now and very much so.  Part of it was how bad it was living in Orlando socially for me.


I feel as though some/many people think it's only safe to discriminate against me.  That makes my problems bad.  I don't think I can necessarily escape by moving somewhere else, when I do.  It's too much to have to do to think I can secure myself from my past?